Open Letter to the Pepper Potts

When I get home, I am glad to see you too, but after I listen to how your day went for five minutes, I would like to talk to the other pack members in the house. Furthermore, just because an appliance makes a noise, it is not trying to communicate with you so you don’t need to talk back to them. They don’t move by themselves, so they are not alive.

The bowls with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top or bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Other dogs can and do actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to us, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking your tail straight out and having your tongue hang out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine attendance is not required.

While we are not subject of bathrooms, I know that you do your business outdoors, but if it is raining or snowing at the time that you want to go outside, I don’t have the power to shut off the water or snow machine.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, and then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness Pepper, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT PEPPER POTTS:

Pepper lives here. You don't.

If you don't want her hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

I like Pepper a lot more than I like most people.

To you, she is an animal. To me, she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

I have more money and time invested in her then I do in most of you.